(I know that businessmen is one word. Please overlook that minor problemo, kiddos)

These were the final words written on one of Uncle Pennybags' prized chance cards. He divulges his secret wisdom only because he has nothing left to gain on this earth. May he find even greater conquests in his life to come.

The cards read:

"Stop at nothing to make a profit: if your own mother stands in your way, throw her to the dogs.

In the art of business, knowledge is power. Thus, to be unknown is to be unconquerable.

Give your business a cause more righteous than religion. This will ensure loyalty of your employees and your customers.

You have to spend money to make money, so be sure to break the bank (and the bank teller).

There’s no higher cost than losing the fear your image invokes.

Train your employees to have just as savage a nature as yourself.

Ensure your employees’ devotion with the promise of your enemies’ blood.

See your opponents not as worthy adversaries, but as pissants to crush under your steel boot.

Sleep with your opponent’s wife, to throw him off balance.

Good business is not a friendly competition, it is a merciless brawl with only one survivor: the Monopolizer. Be certain that Monopolizer is YOU.

Strike down your foes before they realize their own power.

The wider the smile, the bigger the knife."

Although these are his last words written, his absolutely final words -- on his deathbed -- were recorded by his faithful assistant, KingDDD, and are printed here for our insatiable curiosity.

"Everywhere you look, there is something to exploit. Do not lose sight of your vision of conquest, for the world must be seized, and every bit of wealth to be extracted from every little niche, from every pocket, everywhere. Leave this world knowing that you took every last morsel of wealth from this stinking cesspit of a rock we call earth, and that your name will be remembered through time immemorial. Take your last breath knowing that there is no one left to conquer, that you are uncontested as the Monopolizer, the One True Businessman (or woman)."






Thanks to Joe DiIanni for the picture and Joey Sparr for creative inspiration!

Tomorrow is International Pokémon Day, and to celebrate this holiday I have prepared a report on two of the most ferocious Pokémon that I have encountered and fought with. Also, I have included Sir Joseph DiIanni’s ideal lineup, with a brief description of why he made that choice.

Pokémon are animal-like creatures that exist naturally in the wild, each species having specific characteristics, and specific Pokémon each having their own personalities. They are caught by using pokéballs, shown here. People catch Pokémon for a number of reasons, but trainers catch Pokémon in order to build a complementary team of fighters to “battle” other trainers. Although Pokémon can injure each other in battle, they never fight to the death, and overall the experience is enjoyable and educational for all involved.

Trainers are as varied as anyone else: some fierce, some gentle; some tyrannical and others democratic in their approaches. It’s said that the Pokémon begin to mirror their Trainer’s personalities, but most think that a close bond between the Pokémon and trainer is necessary for a truly devastating team.

Blastoise:

Blastoise is one of the strongest water-type Pokémon in the game, not so much because of his offensive abilities (which are somewhat limited compared to other water types), but because of his nearly unbelievable ability to survive. He is a tank, surrounded by armor, with two water cannons protruding from his back. Each water cannon can unleash the amount of water of an Olympic-sized pool in 30 seconds, creating a force powerful enough to punch through thick steel. I believe that Blastoise’s back is a symbol of his well rounded abilities: mostly shell, with retractable, relatively small cannons. That is, mostly defensive, with the ability to hit hard when the opportunity arises. My Blastoise has even occasionally defeated the most devastating Pokémon warrior: Mewtwo.

Mewtwo:

Engineered by a power-hungry organization -- Team Rocket -- for their own devious purposes, Mewtwo is a genetic enhancement of the most powerful Pokémon ever encountered, named Mew. Mewtwo is thus the most powerful Pokémon in the world. . Upon realizing its own power, however, Mewtwo quickly established its freedom from Team Rocket. It is also the only Mewtwo in the world, unlike all of its other Pokémon cousins. As a result of its harsh experiences with humans in early life, and possibly the realization of its utter solitude, Mewtwo became bitter, and its heart grew savage and hateful. It is well-rounded insofar as it excels in everything, possessing no inherent weakness worthy of practical consideration.

Joe’s ideal lineup

Trainers can fight with up to six Pokémon, and most trainers stick with a specific six throughout their training. Although I have an ideal lineup too, I would just as soon share Joe’s, because his knowledge and experience on the subject easily rivals my own. The numbers don’t necessarily represent importance as fighters, but more Joe’s level of personal attachment to these Pokémon through the years. I’m also giving Joe’s reasons for his choices.

1. Charizard: Combination of flying and fire type, Joe has found that Charizard “has the most strength ever to grace the whole franchise.” With its Fire Blast, Charizard can often take down an enemy of equal level and at full health.

2. Mewtwo: Every good lineup needs a psychic-type, and Mewtwo is the best of that class. Mewtwo was also a key character in the first Pokémon movie, and its portrayal added a new dimension. Although Mewtwo was angry when it learned that it was a science experiment, its “mother,” Mew, taught Mewtwo that compassion was preferable to anger and hate.

3. Ampharos: It has three evolutionary stages, which is always fun. And it looks visually stunning. More practically, however, it is far more rounded than any other electric type, such as Pikachu and Raichu, who could deal lots of damage, but fell way to easily.

4. Empoleon: At first Empoleon wasn’t too important, mainly because he looks pretty scary. With the trident on his face and his intimidating stance, he just didn’t seem like fun. But through experience fighting with him, he became a favorite. Also the combination of water- and steel-type makes Empoleon extremely difficult to take down.

5. Venusaur: There are no excellent grass-type Pokémon, and Venusaur is really the only formidable grass-type in the game so far (excepting perhaps Exeggutor). Also, as a member of the original 150 Pokémon, there is by default a little bit of love for Venusaur.

6. Steelix: Onix (Steelix’ evolutionary predecessor) is a great-looking Pokémon, but it is rock-type, which is tragically weak against both water- and grass-types – a weakness that a competent trainer would never allow. But then with a new game comes a new type of Onix – one that is steel-type! And steel-type has far fewer weaknesses.